Reydon Stanford Counseling Studies

RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES

HOME | ADDRESSING STRESS | RECEIVE UPDATES!!! | MAKING EFFECTIVE CHANGES | THE PAIN OF GRIEF | THE SELF ESTEEM KILLER | THE RUNAWAY MIND | EXPENDING NERVOUS ENERGY | Delusional Thinking | LETTING GO OF LOST LOVE | "Conformity: Self-Esteem Killer" | THE PASSIONLESS MARRIAGE | ADDICTIONS | SELF-INDUCED STRESS | LOW SELF-ESTEEM | STRESS RELIEF | THE PAIN OF REJECTION | RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES | NOTE TO PASTORAL COUNSELORS | DEPRESSION | LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE | ANXIETY | FEAR AND MANIA | MENTAL ILLNESS | GUILT AND SELF-CONDEMNATION | BITTERNESS | PARENTING ISSUES | *LONELINESS* | EMOTIONAL TURMOIL | COUNSELOR'S PAGE (FOR COUNSELORS) | DIVORCE RECOVERY | GRIEF RECOVERY | PERSONALITY ISSUES | About Reydon | Contact Info | Disclaimer | WHY AM I SO ANGRY?

 

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

By Reydon Stanford

 

            Problems that result from relationships have the potential to be extremely distressing; due to the amount of importance they play within our lives as a society and the emotional investments we make into them.  Relationships are an important part of healthy human existence and let's face it...we were born into relationships.  It was through a relationship that we were conceived, carried and birthed.

            Relationships are an important part of our development having direct links to our security, growth, physical and emotional well-being, livelihood and spiritual, physical and emotional health.  As a society we are dynamically linked to other people and require relationship to prosper.  Although some people like to think of themselves as "ruggedly individual," without much need for help from others, this is a fallacy that can easily be exposed.  In short...we need others to thrive, succeed, prosper, reproduce and be happy.  Just to put a cotton shirt upon our backs takes a great number of people working together from the farmer who planted the seed, to the gin that processes the cotton to the factory that turns cotton into material, to the trucker who transports it to the factory where it will be dyed and sown into a shirt, to the person who purchases the shirt and then has it transported again to a store where someone sells it to us for about twenty bucks...whew.  We need each other.

            Relationships have the potential to bring us great joy and fulfillment or great pain and disappointment.  If you've lived very long at all, you've probably experienced both extremes.

This article is meant to explore some of the dynamics of relationships and why we often suffer when they spiral downward.

It has been my own experience and observation that the number one problem in relationships is IGNORANCE.  We are not born, (nor usually schooled), in the dynamics of healthy relationships so we enter into them blindly, ignorant of what we need out of a healthy relationship or how to provide what is needed from others.  This is like asking someone to take-off and land an aircraft with no previous training. Not a good idea.  In all honesty, if I had my wish, everyone would be required to take relationship classes throughout school.  I truly believe this would improve such situations as bullying, verbal abuse, racism and so forth and even turn the tide of failed marriages that are prevalent within our society.

Because of the "Ignorance Factor" in relationships, we often see two very good people fail to successfully maintain a growing, healthy, and prosperous relationship.  This is sad, since simple training could greatly improve the odds.

We are drawn to relationships through mutual attraction.  In intimate-driven relationships we are drawn through deep attraction and a desire to be solely involved with the other person.  In friendships we are drawn by mutual interests and a need to have like-minded companionship. In family relationships we are engaged through love, loyalty and belonging.  In short, we each have a desire to feel a sense of belonging among our peers, family and intimate relationships.  When that falters...emotional and mental pain result and usually leads to bouts of depression, anxiety and stress that will ultimately take its toll upon our physical health.

 

COMMON CAUSES OF RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

•1.      Ignorance:  As I stated earlier, most people are not trained to understand the dynamics of relationships and therefore either do the wrong things or nothing.

•2.      Poor Communication Skills:  Communication is the primary way we express our own thoughts and feelings and come to an understanding of the thoughts and feelings of others.  If this dynamic breaks down, trouble results.  It is impossible for us to read the minds of others, or for others to read our minds.  Many relationships are destroyed through bad communication.  (More on this later).

•3.      Uncontrolled Emotions:  Many relationships fail because of uncontrolled emotions.  Nobody wants to live in a volatile environment where fear, anger, continual sadness, or abuse occurs.  We cannot expect others to control OUR emotions.  "If you do what I say, I won't get mad!"  That kind of statement reveals a very immature and very insecure person who expects others to control their emotions.  This leaves people "walking on eggshells" and usually results in a quick and ultimate termination of the relationship, because it becomes mentally and emotionally unbearable.

•4.      Disengagement:  On some occasions, people simply become disengaged from a relationship for various reasons.  The inability to maintain more than one friendship for example can leave an "old friend" out in the cold as the person moves onto someone else.  Anytime someone disengages from a relationship it leaves people hurting and confused and can ultimately result in the end of the relationship.

•5.      The Selfish Ego:  It's hard for most people to believe that there are those who enter into relationships solely for what it provides to them.  The ego can be a strong force and when it is stroked, it makes people with low self-esteem feel good.  The problem with ego is that it can become like a drug, feeding off the people around it without giving anything meaningful in return.  Many marriages and other relationships end when a person who is addicted to ego-thrills becomes bored with their current relationships and move onto something that feels new and exciting and strokes the ego afresh.  It's heartbreaking...it's sad...and it's reality.

•6.      Role-Playing:  When two people get together it is because they are attracted to one another as one individual to another.  In the case of a typical relationship, a man becomes attracted to a woman, and a woman becomes attracted to a man.  Sadly, when these relationships develop into marriage or shared parenthood, the two people often allow the "manly" or "womanly" role to die off and trade it for the title of "Wife, Husband, Mother and Father."  Although these roles have their place...they DO NOT nor should not replace the individual needs of a man or woman.  A man has unique needs and a woman has unique needs.  Simply believing that entering into the roles of marriage or parenthood meets all these needs is an often tragic mistake.  Regardless of marital status...a man is still a man...a woman is still a woman and both have dynamic needs that often get lost in the role-playing of modern societies relationships.

•7.      Excessive Outside Influences:  Many relationships fall victim to outside influences that often exceed proper boundaries and that problem is very unhealthy.  Too much interference from parents, grandparents, co-workers, friends, etc., can permanently ruin an otherwise good relationship.  While it is true the Bible says, "Children obey your parents," I would like to draw attention the word ‘Children.'  Once we are grown we are to LEAVE our mother and father and cleave unto our spouse.  If a couple needs to seek wise counsel, it is better to do so through a counselor or third party who is unlikely to take sides without knowing all the details.  With that being said, if a couple keeps seeking advice (or more likely Allies), from friends or family, they shouldn't be shocked when they get advice that is counterproductive, or infuriates the spouse, leaving them feeling ‘ganged up on' and very angry. 

•8.      Unresolved Conflict:  One of the first things I learned in counseling is "Empathetic Hearing."  This is the ability to ‘hear' how someone is feeling, versus what they are saying.  Most people are not communication experts and do not express their true feelings very well.  This can result in issues becoming arguments with no resolution, rather than intimate times of communication and caring that produces greater love, correction and lasting change.  If a wife, (for example), tells her husband she feels neglected, and is tired of him playing golf, he will often get defensive and then the ‘fight is on.'  Instead, he should listen to what she is REALLY saying, which is: "I miss you and need you and want to spend more time with you."  Leaving any hurt feelings unresolved leads to bitterness.  Bitterness, over a long period of time, will shut down a person's emotions and love, and can end with a final separation.  If you simply cannot resolve the issues on your own...seek counseling.  It is a wise person who seeks answers to what they do not know.

 

As you can tell, I did not address issues such as: cheating, adultery, flirting, pornography, and a variety of other issues that might seem like huge problems in a relationship.  The reason for that is this:  If we pay attention to building a healthy relationship, with deep love, continued desire, mutual respect and hard work...these issues rarely happen.  I once asked a friend, "How do you deal with the weeds in your yard?"  His response was classic:  "I grow good grass."  If we want a healthy, happy relationship...we need to focus on doing the right things and what is good, rather than continually focusing upon the weeds.

Copyright by Reydon Stanford 2010

Home
THE NEED TO ADDRESS STRESS
RECEIVE UPDATES!!!
MAKING EFFECTIVE CHANGES
THE PAIN OF GRIEF
THE SELF ESTEEM KILLER
THE RUNAWAY MIND
EXPENDING NERVOUS ENERGY
Delusional Thinking
LETTING GO OF LOST LOVE
"Conformity: Self-Esteem Killer"
THE PASSIONLESS MARRIAGE
ADDICTIONS
SELF-INDUCED STRESS
LOW SELF-ESTEEM
STRESS RELIEF
THE PAIN OF REJECTION
RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES
NOTE TO PASTORAL COUNSELORS
DEPRESSION
LAUGHTER IS THE BEST MEDICINE
Anxiety
FEAR AND MANIA
MENTAL ILLNESS
GUILT AND SELF-CONDEMNATION
BITTERNESS
PARENTING ISSUES
*LONELINESS*
EMOTIONAL TURMOIL
COUNSELOR'S PAGE (FOR COUNSELORS)
The Pain of Divorce
GRIEF RECOVERY
PERSONALITY ISSUES
About Reydon
Contact Info
Disclaimer
*WHY AM I SO ANGRY?