THE BROKEN WHEEL

(The Threat of Delusional Thinking)

By Reydon Stanford

                Delusion: "A false belief that is based upon perception rather than truth." 

On April 16, 2007, 23 year old Seung-Hui Cho, a young man of South Korean decent, took two handguns and killed 32 people and injured many more before placing one of the guns to his head and ending his own life.  What became known worldwide as the "Virginia Tech Massacre," was now something for families to grieve, law enforcement and other leaders to review and mental health professionals to try and understand. 

But what is being done today to prevent such events from happening all over again?  Gun laws, more security, new policies?  I firmly believe that these answers are like chopping the top off of a weed, in that they do not get to the root of the problem.  The root of the problem is delusional thinking and therefore, it is my opinion that unless we educate society to listen for, look for and provide help to people who are severely delusional, events like The Virginia Tech Massacre will happen again.

                How could a young man such as Cho, a fairly intelligent student at university, commit such acts of violence and do so without any apparent personal link to his victims? The cold, calculated attacks sent shock waves of fear throughout the world, leaving civilized societies wondering how something like this could happen.  One thing is for sure; these events were being visualized, perpetrated and carried out in Cho's mind, long before he loaded the weapons and walked off to do cold-blooded murder.

So what was going on within the mind of Seung-Hui Cho that caused him to perpetrate such a violent act upon people he didn't even know?   It is a question that has most likely baffled everyone affected by his actions on that chilly day in April of '07.  Since he also died on that day in April of '07 it is impossible to ask him, but much of what he wrote and said before that day gives us strong clues as to his delusional thinking.  One thing is for sure about the human being; where there is continued delusional thinking, it is almost always followed by delusional-inspired actions.

                According to the panel appointed to study this case, many people knew of and were concerned about Cho's behavior for many years, but still he slipped through the cracks.  He had a long history with mental illness, but the knowledge of that fact was kept quite because of privacy laws, laws that may have even facilitated his final acts.             

                Although the blame for the massacre must rest solely upon the actions of Seung-Hui Cho for what happened on that day in April ‘07, I think it's wise to examine the story more closely and see how his delusional thinking led to delusional actions.  Only when we understand this principle can we hope to help others who might be suffering likewise and might be a danger to themselves or others.

                My own opinion about human behavior is that it is a function of three inter-connected events; Thinking, Emotions and Actions.  When a person's thinking becomes delusional, their emotions begin to empower those thoughts, which will almost always result in like-minded actions.  Remember, delusional thinking is a "belief based upon perception, rather than truth."  Whatever a delusional person believes is true, it is completely true to them, regardless of whether or not it is founded in actual reality.

                Let me give you an example of delusional thinking and how it can adversely affect the emotions and empower our actions.  

Let's say that Sally Smith has just found out that her two best friends were invited to a party at the house of a new girl named Carol.  At first, Sally is upset by the fact that she has been left out by Carol.  As time moves forward, Sally's mind begins to expand its theories.  "Why did she leave me out and invite my two best friends?" her mind might ask.  "I think she is trying to steal my two best friends...she is purposely trying to replace me with herself!"  As these thoughts are playing out in Sally's mind, her emotions are getting stronger and stronger and feeling more and more unpleasant.  Emotions such as: anger, jealousy and fear begin to increase, making Betty very uncomfortable.  The next time she bumps into Carol, her actions will reveal her thinking as she explodes with an angry outburst.  Secondly, when she is alone with her two best friends, she says horrible things about Carol, because she has truly convinced herself that Carol is evil and that she (Betty) is trying to protect her friends.  Now, what if Sally's instincts were right?  Was Carol trying to steal her two best friends?  What if I told you that Sally was not invited to the party simply because she had not yet met Carol?  In reality, Carol simply did not know Sally, and therefore didn't invite her to the party.  In this case, the entire problem was in Sally's disillusioned mind. 

As it relates to Seung-Hui Cho, we find out that he felt very awkward in society and suffered from a major social anxiety disorder called "Selective Mutism."  This mental disorder made communicating with people very awkward for him, so that in most cases he didn't communicate at all.  To others, this behavior would have appeared to come across as egotistical, mean or even rude.  This odd behavior was thus met with suspicion from his peers who mostly chose to simply ignore him or stay away from him because of the awkwardness.  The alienation likely felt by Cho was followed by serious loneliness and possibly led him to bouts of severe depression and worsened his social disorder.  By looking and listening to his own words, (found mostly after the murders), we see that Cho began to feel like he was a victim of society and that society was out to get him for his own imperfections.  To be ignored by society, by women and by his peers was more than he could bear any longer and it was not his fault, (in his mind), it was now the fault of "spoiled rich kids," who were to blame for all of his problems, (even though the students of VT were mostly middle-class income youth who got in based upon performance, not money).  Because of his years of suffering, (in his delusional thinking, his suffering was the result of mean-spirited people); he was building up to an emotional explosion that would result in an explosion of anger.  It is said that Cho had even become sympathetic to the two killers involved in the Columbine High School shootings.  They had felt like social outcasts and now he did.  They had acted violently against their supposed oppressors and now he would as well.  The horrific results are now etched in our minds forever.

What this teaches us is that delusional thinking, when left unchecked can have tragic results.  The old saying: "I'm driving myself crazy," would fit this profile perfectly, because it is unchecked thinking that leads to unchecked emotions and finally, unchecked actions.  It reminds us that not everything we think is real.

So how do you help someone who has delusional thinking?  In all honesty, this is a tough proposition because delusional thinking is based upon their beliefs.  Beliefs are hard to change unless you develop a deep trust with the person and then prove to them that their thinking is inaccurate.  It's not enough to just tell someone that their thinking is wrong.  You truly have to show them why it is wrong in a loving and compassionate way.  The more they trust you, the more likely it is that you can persuade them to change their beliefs.

Also, we all have delusional thinking from time to time.  An example of my own experience with delusional thinking can be related in the following story.  One time I became very distraught over a friendship that I thought I had ruined.  I had developed a belief that this friend of mine was angry with me because I had been sick and couldn't fulfill some things I had promised.  My mind really ran away with me and I became frightened to encounter this person.  I would not answer phone calls nor answer the doorbell.  Finally, when I did encounter the person, I blurted out: "Are you mad at me, since I couldn't do the things I promised?"  My friend looked at me with true compassion and said, "Why Reydon, I'm not mad at you at all!  You're my friend and I care about you because of who you are...not because of promises."  It was then I realized that all my delusional thinking was just that...delusional.  I was completely wrong, but I had allowed my mind to take me into total deception and my emotions and actions followed.

My reason for writing this article is two-fold.  First to help any reader who might find themselves in delusional thinking and want to feel better through truth.  Secondly, it is to encourage all of us to become aware of those around us who might be struggling with delusional thinking that is causing them great pain.  Maybe, just maybe...we will be able to prevent disaster in someone who has lost control of their own senses and is walking down a road to self-destruction, or the destruction of others.

Copyright by Reydon Stanford 2010

(Comments regarding this article can be placed in the ‘Comments' section of this website, or forwarded directly to Reydon through reydonstanford@gmail.com)

LETTING GO

(Of Lost Love)

By Reydon Stanford

Saying "goodbye" is not always easy.  In fact, sometimes it is one of the more difficult things we have to do in order to move on with our own life in healthy ways.  Letting go of a long-term relationship after months or years of pouring your heart, your body, your money and in many cases your freedom into it, can cause us to experience a painful series of unique emotions and thoughts.  These emotions can last anywhere from a few days to years, depending upon how quickly a person chooses to move on.

A poet or a lyricist might use the term "heart-broken," to describe the excruciating pain that losing love involves.  If you've loved at all, you've probably experienced this painful event.  The jukebox is full of songs whining the ballads of ‘love gone wrong,' where for a quarter you can sooth your pain by indulging in it.  One lyric that comes to mind is from the Brooks and Dunn hit, "Neon Moon," which sadly states: "No tellin' how many tears, I've sat here and cried, or how many lies that I've lied, tellin' my pour heart, she'll come back someday..."  That lyric accurately describes the emotional pain and confusion surrounding losing someone we love...not through death, but through a choice of their own free-will to move on in their life, without us.

Although in the early days of a loving and fruitful relationship we dream of being "together always," and all kinds of eternal promises are made, we sometimes find out that ‘always and forever' is a long time and people change and promises get broken.  Once in a while, people change to such a degree that they desire to move onto other things in their lives, leaving someone else behind.

As human beings, we long for love.  We long to feel desired, we long to feel valued and we long to experience the beauty that comes when two people find an intimate connection.  Just think back to how good those first kisses felt with someone you cared deeply about.  Think back to the excitement you felt at being chosen, of having someone pay special attention to ‘just you' and the feeling that you really "mattered" to someone else.  It is the longing of the human heart and it feels unlike anything else.

When we experience this type of love, something within us feels complete.  Having someone love us gives us a sense of purpose for living and a feeling that someone finds within us something worth exploring and loving.  When that is lost...it can feel devastating.

Although some people recover quickly from a lost love, there are others who just cannot seem to break free of the thoughts, undying hopes, pain, jealousies, fears, and longing that comes with having to say goodbye to someone who has left us.  For some, getting on with their life is easy and they seem to move forward without a great deal of grief, sense of loss or hopelessness.  To others, however, the pain can be long-lasting and difficult to understand.

One of the reasons that some people get over ‘lost love' quickly while others struggle is the human temperament; better known as the personality.  If you are a Melancholy or Phlegmatic personality (both introverts), you might find moving on from lost love much more difficult than what you've witnessed in others.  Since our personality is inherited, (yes it's in the DNA), the problem is not recognized as a ‘character flaw,' or even a person simply being weak, but rather it is science and is a product of the way introverts think and thus feel, versus the other temperaments.

Since you're reading this article, something stands out in your heart or mind about losing love, or I will at least assume that is the case.  If it's because you are tired of having all the emotional pain associated with losing someone you love, I hope you'll read on.

Losing those we love is painful, because our mind receives it as the "end" of something we feel we desperately need and can't bear to lose.  In short, the mind goes into panic mode and our emotions follow with sleepless nights, tears and overwhelming sorrow. 

One of the reasons for this great pain is that our mind and our emotions become so ‘inspired,' by love that when the person that haa made us feel that way chooses to leave, the pain can be unbearable.  It is in these cases that our minds and our emotions really do begin to run away with us, telling us that we will never feel such great love or personal value again, which leaves us feeling extremely lost and fearful.  All of these emotions can feel overwhelming and extremely painful, leaving us feeling out of control, at a complete loss, confused and in some cases, praying to die.

Another dilemma that often adds to this mixture of pain is the religious stigma that often accompanies divorce.  Many people are raised to believe that a failure of their marriage is a recipe for a lifetime of loneliness and that God would never allow them to move on if they've failed.  This is simply not biblical, nor healthy.  We cannot make someone stay who desires to go, regardless of the vows they may have taken, nor does the Bible require anyone to keep a covenant when someone else has chosen to end that covenant.  "If an unbeliever departs, let them depart.  A brother or sister is not held in bondage in such cases." (I Cor. 7:15)  That statement couldn't be any more plain.

So how do you move on when someone has left you and broken your heart?   Begin by realizing that all people are human, including the person who has left you, and that every person as a right to their free will.  Making someone stay with you by using guilt, fear or any other thing is not at all healthy and will end up very badly in the long run.  As a Bonnie Raitt song says well: "I can't make you love me if you don't, and I can't make your heart feel something it won't."  When someone has chosen not to remain with us any longer, giving them their freedom is not only what is right...but it is the only thing healthy for our own recovery.  To live any other way would be to live a lie and there is no peace in such circumstances.

One of the reasons that we are so fearful to let go of someone that we love is that we are afraid we will never have anyone make us feel that good again.  Science and statistics, however, prove the opposite.  The majority of people, who have lost love, eventually find it again and usually under better circumstances with more long-lasting results.

If you still tend to think that the loss of someone you love is the result of something lacking in you, think about this: every major Bible character also lost people they loved dearly.  Adam and Eve lost their son Abel, murdered at the hand of his own brother!   Jacob lost, David lost and even Jesus lost people that where very dear to Him, Judas Iscariot among them.  Losing people we love as a choice of their own free will is ancient and happens to everyone.

I know it can be very painful when someone you love deeply not only chooses to leave you, but does so to be with someone else.  This kind of event leaves even the strongest people broken-hearted, jealous, and fearful and their self-esteem in the gutter.  That is human nature.  However, what is important to remember is that you are a valuable person, not because of the person who is leaving, but because God created you.  Neither your love, nor your value changes simply because someone chooses not to accept it.

MOVING ON

                Moving on from the loss of a deep relationship begins when YOU MAKE THE CHOICE TO MOVE ON.  Too often, we place our lives into the hands of others at our own expense.  Sitting around praying, hoping, longing and believing that they will come back to you is not a healthy...nor pleasant place to be, because it leaves all control in their hands.  Any time we, as humans, feel like our well-being is solely within the hands of others, we become emotionally unstable and feel horrible.  The more proactive we become, the healthier we become.

                It is alright to grieve the loss of love, but not to the point where we continually lose precious days of our own lives grieving on and on over someone who has already moved on.  Think about it this way: For every day you spend grieving someone who threw your love away, there is someone longing for someone ‘just like you,' to love them.

                Secondly, I'd like to point this out: If you have to manipulate someone to stay with you through tears, suicide threats, and so forth, your emotions are broken and you need serious counseling to repair them.  Chances are they will eventually leave you anyway and your hopes at even a cordial relationship will be gone for good.  "But I just can't live without them," you might say.  That is simply not true, because you have before.  I often tell addicts, "you have not always been addicted, you were clean once."  This realization helps them remember that they have been clean before and can be again.  Telling someone that "you can't live without them," is not even a healthy nor fair amount of pressure to put upon anyone.

                Finally, I'd just like to say that relationships are fragile investments to begin with, because they involve a very, very weak link...human beings.  Human beings make a host of mistakes throughout their lives and many of those mistakes involve relationships.  People hurt each other every day...sometimes on purpose, but I'm a dreamer, so I like to think most of it is unintentional.

                If someone has hurt you and thrown you away, I want you to know that I truly feel for you.  I've been there myself and it's excruciatingly painful.  However, you can move on...yes...YOU CAN MOVE ON, and find love again.  Letting go is really more about moving on than looking back, so determine in your heart and mind to move on.  When you do that, your mind will respond by saying, "Oh...okay!  So now we're moving on?  Awesome!"  When that happens, tomorrow will look much brighter.

Copyright by Reydon Stanford 2010

(NOTE:  If you'd like to correspond with Reydon personally regarding a question or comment to this article, feel free to write at: reydonstanford@gmail.com)

THE PASSIONLESS MARRIAGE

By Reydon Stanford

NOTE:  The following article covers adult topics including sexuality.

                As a pastoral counselor for sixteen years, I've worked with my fair share of struggling marriages.  Almost without fail, the subject of intimacy comes to the forefront of issues the couple is struggling with.  I can see it on their faces as soon as the topic is broached...one usually rolls their eyes in disgust while the other seems flushed with frustration and anger.

                Although it may seem awkward for couples to be discussing their sex life with a relative stranger, a good counselor is able to turn the discussion into a scientific look at human needs, behaviors and the emotions attached to intimacy.   A good counselor should also be able to help the couple take a disassociated look at sex...its pleasures and its problems, without appearing condemning or accusatory.  This approach is often a "breath of fresh air," since much of what a couple knows about sexuality is limited to their own knowledge, supposed moral code or personal experience.  This approach also allows the couple to take an honest look at the issues surrounding their sex life without it feeling so raw and personal.  This approach also helps them to see that their struggles are common and what mental, emotional and physical steps can be taken to restore a healthy, vibrant and endearing intimacy.

THE MORAL DILEMMA OF SEX

                We've all heard the horror stories of sex.  Perversions, addictions, lust, diseases, unexpected or unwanted pregnancies and the moral dilemma that can haunt a person for years who is considered to have been sexually 'immoral' in their past.  With the knowledge of such stories, (or experiences), seared deep within our minds, it's easy to see why some people think of sex as an ultimately evil part of human nature and therefore detest the feelings within themselves or others.  Add to this the prospect of years of unbalanced preaching, teaching and warnings on the subject and many become convinced that their own need for intimacy or the needs of others is wrong and fundamentally sinful...yes, even within marriage.  It is even quite common for individuals with unhealthy or inaccurate views of sex to feel guilty when engaging in intimacy, even within the covenant of marriage.  Those feelings are simply not healthy.  Since each one of us is directed by a moral code written within our minds and hearts, it's easy to see why such a frightening belief system can leave some marriages scarred and unhealthy.

                The truth however, is that God, Himself created intimacy through sex, not to mention the powerful hormones that inspire the need for intimacy and assist in the desire for expressing love through sex.  So, if you need someone to blame for human sexuality...look up.

While many believe that God created sex for the sole purpose of reproduction and reproduction alone, these same people have a hard time explaining why God allows the sex-drive to continue even after child producing years.  Either God made a mistake in this area, (tongue in cheek), or He deliberately put a huge stumbling block into the paths of people, neither of which seems to hold any truth.  At greater issue is...can misinterpretation of God's will regarding love and the expression of love through intimacy adversely affect marriage and the answer is emphatically "yes."

Realizing that this very real dilemma exists, (the moral basis of sex), and is powerful, reveals that many of the problems associated with sex are mental issues, not sexual or moral.

                Although many positions exist concerning the theology of sex and what is appropriate or not, the main point of this portion of the article is to reassure couples that their experiences of intimacy are not only empowered by God, (through the creation of their bodies and hormones), but are necessary for keeping the marriage loving, close, happy and healthy.  I often tell couples: "If there's no love in your home, maybe it's because you're not making any."

THE MIND OF INTIMACY

                Many...if not most of the problems associated with intimacy are in the mind. When thinking is flawed, emotions become flawed and then actions become flawed.   If the mind is not functioning properly in this regard there will be issues.  This is where good counseling can really make a difference in helping couples overcome their issues.  The most powerful part of human sexuality is the mind and therefore when problems arise, (physical health issues aside); it is usually due to unhealthy thinking.  Although I'd like to say that discovery of a person's mental ‘hang-ups' regarding intimacy is as easy as a few answered questions...it is not.  In fact, it is far from easy. 

Because of the raw and deeply personal nature of a person's thoughts regarding desire and human longing, I often discuss these matters with a couple individually, (with their corporate approval).  This is not done in order to ‘hide or keep secrets' from the other spouse, but to allow for an environment that feels a bit more secure and safe.  It also allows me to discuss issues that might be hurtful to the other spouse.  In short, it's just good technique.

                Problems associated with intimacy are vast and can be complicated, because on the surface they might not seem connected, while others are more apparent.  Issues such as: low self-esteem, experiences with incest, molestation, rape, humiliation, guilt, fear, self-condemnation and so forth, can leave a person feeling emotionally too unstable to easily engage in frequent intimacy.  However, not dealing with these issues through counseling can still have the same negative effect on a marriage.

                With that said, much of the counseling I do with couples concerning this topic will involve helping them rearrange their thinking.  When thinking is corrected, emotions are corrected and then actions are corrected.

ROAD-BLOCKS TO INTIMACY

                The ROLES get in the way.  I'm not talking about the added weight many married people put on after the honeymoon is over, but that many marriages fall victim to placing greater importance upon the role of HUSBAND/WIFE, MOTHER/FATHER, than the roles that brought them together in the first place.  While many people fall into the rut of fulfilling the roles of family...we often neglect, to the point of death, the roles of MAN AND WOMAN.  You've probably heard the saying: "Whatever it takes to get them, it takes to keep them." 

                Before we were a husband or wife, or a mother or father, we were simply a man and a woman.  The needs of a man and the needs of a woman are deeply personal and do not go away simply because we signed a marriage license or gave birth.  Take the time to remember back when you first became attracted to your mate, (assuming you ever where).  Flirting was so much fun, it felt good and met a fundamental need in us; the need to be wanted, desired and known.  It also fulfilled the need to be the center of someone's attention...to be a mate.

                Although it is great to be honored on Mother's Day or Father's Day, or even on our wedding anniversary...it does not, nor cannot replace the need to be honored as a simple man or a woman.  It is when these needs become so starved that people become vulnerable to extra-marital affairs, whether sexual in nature or simply in heart and mind.  An example of what I'm talking about here can be seen in two simple statements:  "I'm so glad you are my wife," versus "you are such a beautiful and incredible woman."  The first statement is a statement of ownership and role fulfillment.  It is actually selfish in nature.  The second is a statement of raw love and desire that does not give a selfish connotation.  Although there is a proper time for both...neither should go unfulfilled.

                Interestingly, when couples have embraced this concept and re-energize their intimacy based upon the role of a man and woman, the other roles vastly improve, because the first and fundamental needs are being met.  Great lovers become great spouses and great parents.

                Another serious road-block to intimacy is past hurts.  Every relationship is vulnerable to hurt but none more so than where intimacy is involved.  When couples have experienced issues such as neglect, feelings of abandonment (emotional or physical), constant ridicule or being placed last in a long list of priorities...hurt results, it is human nature.  Left unchanged or unattended, these hurts turn into bitterness and are expressed through anger, frustration and eventual coldness.  In the worst case scenario, bitterness has remained unchecked so long that the healthy emotions needed to continue a serious relationship fade immensely and sometimes completely end.  When this happens, reconciliation is extremely difficult.  In many cases, intimacy dies and the couple becomes nothing more than bitter roommates instead of lovers.  Without deep and serious forgiveness and reconciliation, marriages in this shape are likely doomed.

                The obvious key to this dilemma is prevention.  It is much easier to repair a house when the damage is minor, versus when there is nothing left standing.  The main reason bitterness becomes established within a relationship is communication failure.  It's amazing that we can sense when our children are upset about something, yet oftentimes we are oblivious to the serious issues affecting our most intimate relationship.  To say we often take our relationships for granted is an understatement.

                Another serious roadblock to intimacy is manipulation.  When intimacy becomes something that is given or withheld, (whether sexual or emotional intimacy), based upon a certain set of circumstances, danger looms.  Intimacy; both emotional and sexual are deep-seeded needs and withholding them allows serious temptations and bitterness to enter into the relationship, leaving it fragmented.  What we must remember is that withholding our emotions or intimacy is a choice, it's within our control.

                Typically, (there are exceptions to every rule), a woman needs a great deal of emotional intimacy to feel loved, fulfilled and desired within the marriage.  In other words, she needs to talk, hear and be listened to in order to feel valuable and fulfilled.  A man, on the other hand, often expresses his intimate needs through sex.  Sadly, when emotional intimacy is withheld, sexual intimacy is likewise withheld and it becomes a vicious cycle of blame, shame and naming names.  It becomes a game of "give me your heart and I'll give you my body," while the other says, "why would I give you my heart, when you won't give me your body?"

                The answer to manipulation is simple: don't do it.  Mature adults should be able to successfully communicate their needs to their spouse.  Expressing true feelings goes a long way in helping another person understand your real desires, versus expecting them to know how you feel.  With that said, once true feelings are communicated, it becomes our ‘choice' as to what we do about them.  Allowing intimate needs to go unmet as a conscious choice of our own will, permits the relationship to fade further until there is nothing left but the lawyers with no one to blame but our self.

IS THERE HOPE?

                At the end of the day, intimacy is a value issue.  Is this person worthy of my love?  Have I been worthy of his (her) love?  Love begins when two people value each other above everyone and everything else, shy o f God.  When we allow other people, issues, roles, work, play, family or ‘things' to become of greater value to us than our lover, the value of marriage fades.  Although many couples live this way, the empowering dynamic of their relationship has been reduced greatly and they are usually unhappy.

                Human nature is often very selfish, yet an intimate relationship can only thrive in the dual sacrifice of meeting the others most intimate needs.

                So, the question is: "Is there hope?"  The frank answer to that question lies within the choices of the man and woman.  Will each one choose to push past the roadblocks of their fractured, intimate relationship and return it to the high priority it demands?  If the answer to that question is "yes," then there is hope.  Many people fail to realize that it is free choice that moved us into an intimate relationship, and free choice that keeps us there.  Sadly, (on most occasions), it is only when the relationship is dead and on the verge of ending for good that one part of the couple rises up, desperate for help.  By then it is often too late because the other part of the couple is too far removed.  There are scientific elements to these behaviors as well, that are coping mechanisms versus character flaws, so we should not be too quick to judge.  For example, feeling abandoned or neglected for long periods of time causes the mind to deal with this loss by first grieving and then with moving on.  Survival is inherent in the human being.  Therefore, some people move on from a neglectful relationship as a result of science...not human weakness.

Copyright by Reydon Stanford 2010

THE PAIN OF REJECTION

By Reydon Stanford

            The word "rejection" actually means to "throw something away."  With that in mind, what is the term for something thrown away?  Trash.  No wonder rejection is such a painful experience!  When someone rejects us, it leaves us feeling like we are ‘trash' in their eyes; something of no further value and that leaves us feeling extremely hurt.  How could that ‘not' hurt?

Sadly, within our society, there are those who seem as good at throwing people away as they are at skipping nameless rocks across a pond.  Moving from one ‘favorite friend' to another or dumping one love for another, it's all "part of the game," in the selfish minds of people who have little regard for the feelings or lives of others.  As long as they are happy and excited, any damage done to others is all part of the game.

            The inspiration for rejecting someone is selfishness or in some cases, the inability to love any more for whatever reason.  This shows up in the story of Adam and Eve, just after the creation.  Eve, for whatever reason, listens to the serpent assure her that she doesn't need God...she can be "like God," all on her own.  All she had to do was throw God under the bus and take a bite of fruit. 

            Ever since, some people seem to carry the same mindset as Eve...believing that "what I want," is much more important than what is good or right.  This sets the stage for massive amounts of rejection.  In psychological thinking...rejection is the ‘action,' being rejected is the ‘response.'  Being "in control" always feels better than being "out of control," and being rejected is out of our control.

WHY REJECTION HURTS

            There are close to seven billion people living on the Earth.   Why then does it hurt so badly for us to be rejected by just a few of them within our life-time?  Doesn't it make sense that we would just say, "Oh well, I have billions of others who will love and value me," and go off seeking someone else to fill the void?  That's the problem...human emotions don't always make sense.  They are not cut and dried like that.  As one person said, "Love does not play by the proper rules of moral society."

            Like all emotionally painful experiences, the level of pain involved in rejection is based upon "who" in our life is rejecting us.  For example:  I might feel bummed out by being rejected for a job, but I can get over that pretty easily.  However, if someone very close to me...let's say one of my sons said, "Dad, I no longer want to have anything to do with you.  In my mind, from this day forward you do not exist."  That would obviously be devastating based upon the value I give to that relationship.

            On a larger scale, being rejected by society as a whole can be equally painful.  When someone is ‘cast out' of society as a bad person, (whether or not it is true), it can be devastating.  This is why such things as true racism, (regardless of which direction it comes from or is pointed to), rejection because of religious beliefs, social status, financial status, education, or location, can leave humans feeling...sub-human.  No one could explain this pain any more vividly than the lepers who rotted away in the leper colonies of history, rejected by their families and society.  I believe the story of "The Scarlet Letter," was written to show the de-humanizing effects of those who can't or don't live up to societies standards, but that is just my opinion.

            The main reason rejection hurts is because is it a value issue.   When we are rejected we feel like what we had to offer as a person has been studied, appraised and rejected as invaluable.  This, in turn, can cause us to feel a variety of unpleasant emotions from anger, wrath, revengeful thinking, confusion, sadness and grief.  It can leave us wondering what we did wrong, what we could have done to be better and a host of other unanswerable questions.  It can also cause us to question our own self-worth, and in most cases...leave our self-esteem in tatters.  Just ask the model who is her twenties, is being suddenly overlooked for younger women.

            When it comes to intimate relationships, such as marriage, the pain of rejection is magnified and not only painful but also potentially dangerous.  History tells us the horror stories of ex-wives and husbands who have been violently murdered because a rejected spouse lost control of their emotions through the enormous pain of rejection.  Many suicides can also be attributed to people unable to bear the emotional pain of rejection.  This is evident in one suicide note which read: "It's not that I want to die...it just hurts too much to live."

            Often-times, rejection comes as a result of our own actions.  Many alcoholics, drug addicts, sex addicts, porn addicts or mentally ill people have known the depths of despair that comes with being rejected by family members or friends that no longer have the capacity to bear the embarrassment and pain that comes with the actions and the behaviors these diseases bring.  In these cases the despair can seem even worse, because the rejection is nothing more than a confirmation of what the person has been feeling about their self for a long period of time. (Obviously, mental illness or brain injury is not usually a result of a person's own actions).

            Regardless of why we are rejected, the pain is still intense and can be long term.  So is there anything a person can do to recover from the pain of rejection?  Thankfully, the answer is yes.

RECOVERY

            One of the first things we need to understand about rejection is...it happens to everyone.  Although that might not seem like a comforting thought at first, think about it this way:  If everyone has been rejected at times during their lives and KEPT LIVING, you can too!!!  Sadly, rejection is a part of the human experience and because you are human, you must eat of the same bread.

            Secondly, rejection teaches us to be very careful about placing our own value into the hands of other people, so in that respect...rejection is a great teacher.  When we place who we are and what we're worth solely into the hands of those we choose to love, we are taking a huge risk that they will see how fragile our value is and take very good care of it. This is worse than a dangerous prospect...it is almost certain to fail at some point.  In all honesty...placing our value into the hands of others is more than they can bear.

            Thirdly, spirituality plays a very important role in our own self worth.  If our self-worth is grounded in the fact that we were created by ‘Someone' whom cared deeply about us, we can fall back onto that truth and feel comforted.  Interestingly, Jesus spent a great deal of time speaking to His disciples about this topic, trying to provide them comfort.  Saying things such as: "I will NEVER leave you, nor forsake you," and "I go to prepare a place for you, so that where I am, you may be also," Jesus was using psychological words meant to bring comfort and reassure the disciples of their value.

            Fourthly, it is important to know that "anything of value we lose, we will grieve over."  Technically, the larger the loss we experience...the longer the grief will take.  Grieving is a natural part of the human experience and believe it or not...is a very honorable part of life.  When we are saddened at the loss of someone we love, we are legitimizing that loss through our grief.  Although it might sound brave for a friend or family member to ask you not to cry at their funeral, your tears are an honor to your love for them.  Loss hurts...deeply.  When someone rejects your love...that doesn't make your love cheapened or devalued...it shows they didn't deserve it.

            Recognize that who you are and the love you have to give is your greatest gift.  If it is rejected it is a loss on the part of the person doing the rejecting...not you.  Recover your love and offer it to someone who will treasure you, honor you and desire your love.

Copyright by Reydon Stanford 2010

ADDICTION

By Reydon Stanford

            An addiction or multiple addictions are directly connected to psychology in that they are the direct result of personal, human behavior.  Although in rare cases someone may become addicted to a substance that is given them against their will...most addictions are a direct result of our own behavior and mentality towards the thing(s) we become addicted to.  Although society often gets the blame for ‘creating the addiction-prone environment,' it is hard to place blame upon society alone, for our own choices, where addiction is concerned.  To believe that our current generation has a more difficult time adapting to the hardships of our lives, than say those travelling across America in covered wagons would be a stretch.  I'm not sure that we could scientifically prove that the current levels of addiction within our society are the result of a greater need for self-medicating than previous generations.

            Although I'm certainly not trying to sound condemning or accusatory towards those struggling with addiction, I do think it's important to begin recovery by admitting that the addiction is the result, (except in rare cases), of our own choice to self-medicate, rather than find healthier ways to adjust to our stress.  In most cases addiction was not intentional, but the result is still the same; intentional or not.  Whether or not someone set out to get addicted to something, addicted is still addicted.

The reason it is important to embrace our own role, (in our addiction), is that we will use those same personal ‘decision-making' processes to overcome the addiction.  In short, it was personal decisions, (and thus behaviors), that trapped us in an addiction and personal decisions that will bring about our freedom.  Freedom from addiction truly begins when WE choose to break the cycle of our actions.

WHY WE BECOME ADDICTED

            Just as with any major issue, there are multitudes of theories as to cause of the event.  Addiction is no different.  My personal theory revolves around several triggers that tempt us, (as a society), toward addiction. 

• Social and Peer Pressure: In our society there are multiple things that are a threat to become an addiction that we participate in on a social level or as the result of peer pressure. Gambling, drinking and recreational drugs, for example, are often engaged in for the first time within a social setting. The "everyone's doing it," syndrome seems to be the gentle, (or not so gentle), shove many need to engage in these potentially dangerous things. This is even more dangerous for people who feel socially awkward already and have a greater desire to fit in. With alcohol or recreational drugs to ‘take the edge off' of their awkward feelings, they can quickly associate one with the other. In these cases it is not a ‘real party,' until they have used a substance to help them feel more at ease in the social setting. Addictions that come from this dilemma usually involve a low self-esteem or great feelings of awkwardness in a social setting. These issues can be resolved in counseling through healthy learning skills.
• Self-Medicating Against Stress: There are many addictions that are associated with self-medicating against stress. Food, alcohol, illicit drugs, prescription drugs, tobacco, sex, pornography, video games and television are a few of the things people use often to give themselves a short drop in their stress level, or at least it seems that way. The greatest...and most obvious problem with these addictions and their cause is that is does not DEAL with the stress, it only MASKS it for a short while, wherein another round of self-medicating is called for. Left unchecked, these addictions almost always lead to much more serious issues down the line. Major health issues, relationship failures, career losses and even death have been directly linked to addictions.
• Character-Masking: Some addictions are the result of people who are deeply saddened by what they perceive as an ‘unlovable and non-valuable' self. Because such feelings are so emotionally powerful and painful, addictions are used to ‘change the personality' of the person. In short, they like themselves much better when they're drunk, (for example), than when they are sober. In many ways, the addiction is an avenue for an ‘alternate state of being,' that allows them to hide from their true self...if only for awhile.
• Hiding from Guilt, Shame, or Painful Experiences: Some addictions are the result of self-medicating against the mental torment of horrible past experiences such as war, rape, molestation, incest, family tragedies, mental illness, physical illness and so forth. Many people who have suffered with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder have also fallen victim to addictions as a way to ‘quiet the mind,' from the horrible ‘mind movies' that haunt them, regarding their past...or even their present for that matter.
• Self Defeating Attitudes: On some occasions, people engage in dangerous addictions as a form of rebellion against society. "This is my life and I can live it any way I choose." "Live it hard and fast, that's my motto." These kinds of rebellious actions are usually the result of an immature psyche that is crying out for acceptance and visibility. It's almost as if they're saying: "If you won't notice me when I'm normal...I'll start killing myself slowly to get your attention." Sadly, in many of these cases...the behavior is fatal.

Regardless of "how" or "why" people become addicted, the results are rarely healthy or good.  In fact, if you're reading this article now, it stands to reason that you, or someone you love dearly, (or both), is struggling with an addiction(s) that is slowing stealing your life from you and you desire to get it back.  I applaud your bravery and pray something written here will inspire you to begin taking the steps toward your freedom.

TWO SIDES OF ADDICTION

            I truly believe that in order to tackle addiction successfully, we must usually deal with two issues.  First is the "chemical side of addiction," which can require hospitalization, medications, (such as anti-withdrawal meds), and plenty of rest.  Chemical addictions are difficult to break, there is no question about that and will-power alone is usually no match.  Getting your body detoxified is essential to breaking an addiction.  Counseling is equally important for long-term success due to the mental and emotional dependencies associated with addiction.

The other side of addiction is the "mental and emotional dependence," which requires good, structured counseling to help a person understand what thinking processes, behavioral and environmental aspects of their lives contributed to their addiction and how to reverse that cycle.  IT IS MY STRONG OPINION THAT DEALING WITH ONE SIDE OF THE ADDICTION WITHOUT DEALING WITH THE OTHER LEAVES A VERY SMALL CHANCE FOR REAL OR LASTING SUCCESS.  Working through the mental and emotional dependence aspects of addiction is so important because it teaches us what mental and emotional processes and decision-making got us into our addiction in the first place.  It also helps us restructure our thinking to avoid the same pitfalls in the future.

TAKING THE STEPS TOWARD RECOVERY

• 1. Admit (out loud) that it was choices that brought about your addiction and choices that will bring you out.
• 2. Realize that recovery from addiction does not have to be accomplished alone. Supportive friends, family, medical professionals, medications and counselors can help you make the journey. If you don't know how to find this help or fear you can't afford it, find someone who can direct you to these services. If support seems elusive, keep looking. Many people have dedicated their lives to helping, many without asking for a single penny.
• 3. Studies show that prayer and renewing your faith can greatly improve your chances for success. Healthy spirituality helps to provide peace, hope and strength to face our environment...and more importantly...one's self.
• 4. Be prepared to do whatever is necessary to get yourself free. If that involves a stay in a rehabilitation facility and long-term counseling, be prepared to say "Yes," to your treatment.
• 5. If your addiction has a chemical element, such as alcohol, drugs or nicotine, steps must be taken to achieve detoxification.
• 6. Once detoxification is complete, good counseling is needed to help you learn mental and emotional skills to alter your tendencies and behaviors.
• 7. Remind yourself that you were not always addicted. You can be free again. Also, remind yourself that your addiction is a problem, but it is not the real you. Refuse to allow your addiction to define you any longer.

Copyright by Reydon Stanford 2010

SELF-INDUCED STRESS

By Reydon Stanford

                For the sake of this article, I'd like to break down typical stress into two categories:  First is "Life-Induced Stress," which is stress that arises from real-life events that we have to face and that initially are out of our control...such as a car breaking down, plumbing issues, an unhappy partner, etc.   Secondly, there is "Self-Induced Stress," which is a result of our own uncontrolled thinking, or of mishandling issues that are in our control.

                In regards to "Life-Induced Stress," the best answer is to become pro-active against whatever is causing the stress.  For example:  If your car is broken down, make a plan to have it fixed as soon as possible.  Remember it is "in-action" or "not knowing what to do," that causes the brain to start working faster and faster trying to solve a problem, which causes us to feel greater and greater amounts of stress.  Becoming pro-active allows the brain to see that we are working on a solution to the problem and it (the brain) will begin to slow down, thus alleviating the stress to a more bearable level.  Just the simple act of ‘having a plan' or ‘developing a plan,' can help the brain slow down, even if we are not able to act upon our plan right away, due to finances or other issues.

                In regards to "Self-Induced Stress,"  there are several dynamics that we need to examine and understand in order to even ‘realize' when we are subjecting ourselves to this uncomfortable...and unnecessary stress.

                Most ‘phobias' for example are the result of an uncontrolled or irrational thought process that can cause us great stress and emotional discomfort, without ANY REAL OR IMMEDIATE THREAT TO OUR WELL BEING.  For example:  I live in West Texas where the nearest beach is some ten hour drive away, which is the Gulf of Mexico.  If I have a terror of sharks and allow myself to sit around thinking of being eaten by a shark, it is the result of an uncontrolled mind.  It is extremely doubtful that a shark will walk, drive or fly into West Texas with the goal of eating me.  My fear therefore, is unfounded and the stress that results is self-induced.  In other words...I'm doing it to myself.

                Another example of "Self-Induced Stress," comes from the ‘what-ifs' that our mind wants to continually engage in.  Although the mind's desire to engage in ‘what-ifs' is a mechanism for preparing for possible danger, it can become a nasty habit that serves no real purpose and only adds stress to our lives.   Let me explain.  One time I was driving on the Interstate highway and had several people in the car.  I moved out to pass a large truck and as we were passing it, one of the passengers said, "Man, that truck is really close!  If one of those tires blew out it would kill us all."  Although this supposed event ‘could' happen, the likelihood was very low...let's say 1%.  That means this person was focused upon the 1% rather than the 99% chance that it wouldn't happen.  This kind of thinking causes this person great self-induced stress.  This is not a character flaw in this person...but a bad habit of allowing their mind to go uncontrolled.  This is a person who has travelled thousands upon thousands of miles down Interstate highway, over many parts of the Country, without a single accident, yet continues to fear too much.  To alleviate this type of stress, or at the very least reduce it...this person should focus more upon the reality than the ‘what-ifs.'

                Another example of "Self-Induced Stress," is a result of our own inaction in certain areas.  Let's say that ‘being late,' causes your stress level to rise dramatically.  This is self-induced stress because it is a result of our own actions, (at least in most cases).  The obvious answer to alleviating this type of stress is to become proactive.  Allowing plenty of time to get to where we're going will alleviate the stress of being late.  If we are late, it is usually nobody's fault but our own...therefore the stress is self-induced.

                One area where I find myself becoming stressed-out is in the area of ‘leaving something unfinished.'  Much of this is due to my Melancholy personality, which is steeped in perfectionism.  (Our personality is inherited and not a character flaw, thank goodness).  Whenever I'm trying to accomplish a certain task and am being hindered through interruptions or other issues out of my control, I find myself beginning to feel stressed.  "We need to finish this!" my mind shouts while I'm rushing to deal with whatever is hindering me.  This is self-induced stress, because life does not stop just because I'm trying to finish a project.  This is caused by becoming "too focused" upon a task, bordering on mild obsession.   Allowing for these interruptions would help me greatly.  If I'll take a few deep breaths and relax, I can assure my mind that I will get back on task when it's appropriate.  Usually, my mind will respond by relaxing, because I have taken control of the situation and assured my mind it will get finished in reasonable time.  One thing I have learned: If we don't control our mind...it will control us.

                The problem with allowing "Self-Induced Stress" to continue in our lives is that it can ultimately be deadly.  Heart disease, diabetes, cancer, depression and a host of other serious issues have all been directly linked to stress in numerous people.

RESOLVING SELF-INDUCED STRESS

•1.       Try to catch yourself when you are feeling stressful and decide whether or not the stress is self-induced or life-induced.

•2.       Take control of your thinking by focusing upon reality versus the "what-ifs."  Do not even allow yourself to get into ‘what-if' thinking.

•3.       Learn to focus on the now...rather than the future.  If you're having a nice dinner with friends, focus on that, rather than ruining the moment by stressing about the future that does not even exist yet.

•4.       Develop a plan for being proactive against events that are causing you stress.  This will cause the mind to slow down.

•5.       When under heavy stress, take plenty of time to rest and allow your mind and body to recover before re-engaging in the task.  We handle all issues better when we're rested.

•6.       Limit the time you spend around people or events that add stress.  Stress is contagious.

•7.       Continually remind yourself that YOU control your thinking, and not the other way around.

                                                                                            

                                                                                                            Copyright by Reydon Stanford 2010

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

By Reydon Stanford

            Problems that result from relationships have the potential to be extremely distressing; due to the amount of importance they play within our lives as a society and the emotional investments we make into them.  Relationships are an important part of healthy human existence and let's face it...we were born into relationships.  It was through a relationship that we were conceived, carried and birthed.

            Relationships are an important part of our development having direct links to our security, growth, physical and emotional well-being, livelihood and spiritual, physical and emotional health.  As a society we are dynamically linked to other people and require relationship to prosper.  Although some people like to think of themselves as "ruggedly individual," without much need for help from others, this is a fallacy that can easily be exposed.  In short...we need others to thrive, succeed, prosper, reproduce and be happy.  Just to put a cotton shirt upon our backs takes a great number of people working together from the farmer who planted the seed, to the gin that processes the cotton to the factory that turns cotton into material, to the trucker who transports it to the factory where it will be dyed and sown into a shirt, to the person who purchases the shirt and then has it transported again to a store where someone sells it to us for about twenty bucks...whew.  We need each other.

            Relationships have the potential to bring us great joy and fulfillment or great pain and disappointment.  If you've lived very long at all, you've probably experienced both extremes.

This article is meant to explore some of the dynamics of relationships and why we often suffer when they spiral downward.

            It has been my own experience and observation that the number one problem in relationships is IGNORANCE.  We are not born, (nor usually schooled), in the dynamics of healthy relationships so we enter into them blindly, ignorant of what we need out of a healthy relationship or how to provide what is needed from others.  This is like asking someone to take-off and land an aircraft with no previous training. Not a good idea.  In all honesty, if I had my wish, everyone would be required to take relationship classes throughout school.  I truly believe this would improve such situations as bullying, verbal abuse, racism and so forth and even turn the tide of failed marriages that are prevalent within our society.

 

           Because of the "Ignorance Factor" in relationships, we often see two very good people fail to successfully maintain a growing, healthy, and prosperous relationship.  This is sad, since simple training could greatly improve the odds.

 

           We are drawn to relationships through mutual attraction.  In intimate-driven relationships we are drawn through deep attraction and a desire to be solely involved with the other person.  In friendships we are drawn by mutual interests and a need to have like-minded companionship. In family relationships we are engaged through love, loyalty and belonging.  In short, we each have a desire to feel a sense of belonging among our peers, family and intimate relationships.  When that falters...emotional and mental pain result and usually leads to bouts of depression, anxiety and stress that will ultimately take its toll upon our physical health.

COMMON CAUSES OF RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

•1.      Ignorance:  As I stated earlier, most people are not trained to understand the dynamics of relationships and therefore either do the wrong things or nothing.

•2.      Poor Communication Skills:  Communication is the primary way we express our own thoughts and feelings and come to an understanding of the thoughts and feelings of others.  If this dynamic breaks down, trouble results.  It is impossible for us to read the minds of others, or for others to read our minds.  Many relationships are destroyed through bad communication.  (More on this later).

•3.      Uncontrolled Emotions:  Many relationships fail because of uncontrolled emotions.  Nobody wants to live in a volatile environment where fear, anger, continual sadness, or abuse occurs.  We cannot expect others to control OUR emotions.  "If you do what I say, I won't get mad!"  That kind of statement reveals a very immature and very insecure person who expects others to control their emotions.  This leaves people "walking on eggshells" and usually results in a quick and ultimate termination of the relationship, because it becomes mentally and emotionally unbearable.

•4.      Disengagement:  On some occasions, people simply become disengaged from a relationship
for various reasons.  The inability to maintain more than one friendship for example can leave an "old friend" out in the cold as the person moves onto someone else.  Anytime someone disengages from a relationship it leaves people hurting and confused and can ultimately result in the end of the relationship.

•5.      The Selfish Ego:  It's hard for most people to believe that there are those who enter into relationships solely for what it provides to them.  The ego can be a strong force and when it is stroked, it makes people with low self-esteem feel good.  The problem with ego is that it can become like a drug, feeding off the people around it without giving anything meaningful in return.  Many marriages and other relationships end when a person who is addicted to ego-thrills becomes bored with their current relationships and move onto something that feels new and exciting and strokes the ego afresh.  It's heartbreaking...it's sad...and it's reality.

•6.      Role-Playing:  When two people get together it is because they are attracted to one another as one individual to another.  In the case of a typical relationship, a man becomes attracted to a woman, and a woman becomes attracted to a man.  Sadly, when these relationships develop into marriage or shared parenthood, the two people often allow the "manly" or "womanly" role to die off and trade it for the title of "Wife, Husband, Mother and Father."  Although these roles have their place...they DO NOT nor should not replace the individual needs of a man or woman.  A man has unique needs and a woman has unique needs.  Simply believing that entering into the roles of marriage or parenthood meets all these needs is an often tragic mistake.  Regardless of marital status...a man is still a man...a woman is still a woman and both have dynamic needs that often get lost in the role-playing of modern societies relationships.

•7.      Excessive Outside Influences:  Many relationships fall victim to outside influences that often exceed proper boundaries and that problem is very unhealthy.  Too much interference from parents, grandparents, co-workers, friends, etc., can permanently ruin an otherwise good relationship.  While it is true the Bible says, "Children obey your parents," I would like to draw attention the word ‘Children.'  Once we are grown we are to LEAVE our mother and father and cleave unto our spouse.  If a couple needs to seek wise counsel, it is better to do so through a counselor or third party who is unlikely to take sides without knowing all the details.  With that being said, if a couple keeps seeking advice (or more likely Allies), from friends or family, they shouldn't be shocked when they get advice that is counterproductive, or infuriates the spouse, leaving them feeling ‘ganged up on' and very angry. 

•8.      Unresolved Conflict:  One of the first things I learned in counseling is "Empathetic Hearing."  This is the ability to ‘hear' how someone is feeling, versus what they are saying.  Most people are not communication experts and do not express their true feelings very well.  This can result in issues becoming arguments with no resolution, rather than intimate times of communication and caring that produces greater love, correction and lasting change.  If a wife, (for example), tells her husband she feels neglected, and is tired of him playing golf, he will often get defensive and then the ‘fight is on.'  Instead, he should listen to what she is REALLY saying, which is: "I miss you and need you and want to spend more time with you."  Leaving any hurt feelings unresolved leads to bitterness.  Bitterness, over a long period of time, will shut down a person's emotions and love, and can end with a final separation.  If you simply cannot resolve the issues on your own...seek counseling.  It is a wise person who seeks answers to what they do not know.

          As you can tell, I did not address issues such as: cheating, adultery, flirting, pornography, and a variety of other issues that might seem like huge problems in a relationship.  The reason for that is this:  If we pay attention to building a healthy relationship, with deep love, continued desire, mutual respect and hard work...these issues rarely happen.  I once asked a friend, "How do you deal with the weeds in your yard?"  His response was classic:  "I grow good grass."  If we want a healthy, happy relationship...we need to focus on doing the right things and what is good, rather than continually focusing upon the weeds.