LETTING GO

(Of Lost Love)

By Reydon Stanford

Saying "goodbye" is not always easy.  In fact, sometimes it is one of the more difficult things we have to do in order to move on with our own life in healthy ways.  Letting go of a long-term relationship after months or years of pouring your heart, your body, your money and in many cases your freedom into it, can cause us to experience a painful series of unique emotions and thoughts.  These emotions can last anywhere from a few days to years, depending upon how quickly a person chooses to move on.

A poet or a lyricist might use the term "heart-broken," to describe the excruciating pain that losing love involves.  If you've loved at all, you've probably experienced this painful event.  The jukebox is full of songs whining the ballads of ‘love gone wrong,' where for a quarter you can sooth your pain by indulging in it.  One lyric that comes to mind is from the Brooks and Dunn hit, "Neon Moon," which sadly states: "No tellin' how many tears, I've sat here and cried, or how many lies that I've lied, tellin' my pour heart, she'll come back someday..."  That lyric accurately describes the emotional pain and confusion surrounding losing someone we love...not through death, but through a choice of their own free-will to move on in their life, without us.

Although in the early days of a loving and fruitful relationship we dream of being "together always," and all kinds of eternal promises are made, we sometimes find out that ‘always and forever' is a long time and people change and promises get broken.  Once in a while, people change to such a degree that they desire to move onto other things in their lives, leaving someone else behind.

As human beings, we long for love.  We long to feel desired, we long to feel valued and we long to experience the beauty that comes when two people find an intimate connection.  Just think back to how good those first kisses felt with someone you cared deeply about.  Think back to the excitement you felt at being chosen, of having someone pay special attention to ‘just you' and the feeling that you really "mattered" to someone else.  It is the longing of the human heart and it feels unlike anything else.

When we experience this type of love, something within us feels complete.  Having someone love us gives us a sense of purpose for living and a feeling that someone finds within us something worth exploring and loving.  When that is lost...it can feel devastating.

Although some people recover quickly from a lost love, there are others who just cannot seem to break free of the thoughts, undying hopes, pain, jealousies, fears, and longing that comes with having to say goodbye to someone who has left us.  For some, getting on with their life is easy and they seem to move forward without a great deal of grief, sense of loss or hopelessness.  To others, however, the pain can be long-lasting and difficult to understand.

One of the reasons that some people get over ‘lost love' quickly while others struggle is the human temperament; better known as the personality.  If you are a Melancholy or Phlegmatic personality (both introverts), you might find moving on from lost love much more difficult than what you've witnessed in others.  Since our personality is inherited, (yes it's in the DNA), the problem is not recognized as a ‘character flaw,' or even a person simply being weak, but rather it is science and is a product of the way introverts think and thus feel, versus the other temperaments.

Since you're reading this article, something stands out in your heart or mind about losing love, or I will at least assume that is the case.  If it's because you are tired of having all the emotional pain associated with losing someone you love, I hope you'll read on.

Losing those we love is painful, because our mind receives it as the "end" of something we feel we desperately need and can't bear to lose.  In short, the mind goes into panic mode and our emotions follow with sleepless nights, tears and overwhelming sorrow. 

One of the reasons for this great pain is that our mind and our emotions become so ‘inspired,' by love that when the person that haa made us feel that way chooses to leave, the pain can be unbearable.  It is in these cases that our minds and our emotions really do begin to run away with us, telling us that we will never feel such great love or personal value again, which leaves us feeling extremely lost and fearful.  All of these emotions can feel overwhelming and extremely painful, leaving us feeling out of control, at a complete loss, confused and in some cases, praying to die.

Another dilemma that often adds to this mixture of pain is the religious stigma that often accompanies divorce.  Many people are raised to believe that a failure of their marriage is a recipe for a lifetime of loneliness and that God would never allow them to move on if they've failed.  This is simply not biblical, nor healthy.  We cannot make someone stay who desires to go, regardless of the vows they may have taken, nor does the Bible require anyone to keep a covenant when someone else has chosen to end that covenant.  "If an unbeliever departs, let them depart.  A brother or sister is not held in bondage in such cases." (I Cor. 7:15)  That statement couldn't be any more plain.

So how do you move on when someone has left you and broken your heart?   Begin by realizing that all people are human, including the person who has left you, and that every person as a right to their free will.  Making someone stay with you by using guilt, fear or any other thing is not at all healthy and will end up very badly in the long run.  As a Bonnie Raitt song says well: "I can't make you love me if you don't, and I can't make your heart feel something it won't."  When someone has chosen not to remain with us any longer, giving them their freedom is not only what is right...but it is the only thing healthy for our own recovery.  To live any other way would be to live a lie and there is no peace in such circumstances.

One of the reasons that we are so fearful to let go of someone that we love is that we are afraid we will never have anyone make us feel that good again.  Science and statistics, however, prove the opposite.  The majority of people, who have lost love, eventually find it again and usually under better circumstances with more long-lasting results.

If you still tend to think that the loss of someone you love is the result of something lacking in you, think about this: every major Bible character also lost people they loved dearly.  Adam and Eve lost their son Abel, murdered at the hand of his own brother!   Jacob lost, David lost and even Jesus lost people that where very dear to Him, Judas Iscariot among them.  Losing people we love as a choice of their own free will is ancient and happens to everyone.

I know it can be very painful when someone you love deeply not only chooses to leave you, but does so to be with someone else.  This kind of event leaves even the strongest people broken-hearted, jealous, and fearful and their self-esteem in the gutter.  That is human nature.  However, what is important to remember is that you are a valuable person, not because of the person who is leaving, but because God created you.  Neither your love, nor your value changes simply because someone chooses not to accept it.