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"Great friends are hard to find...especially when you get separated at Wal-Mart." "I
cannot find the book I was reading on Short Term Memory Loss!" "Saying
you're sorry after losing your temper is like pushing the brake pedal after an accident. The damage is already done." "The
Aquarium is looking for a Tuna-Helper." "I just found out that the Peace-Sign
is actually the skeletal remains of a deceased Smiley-Face. Sad." "I just saw
a dog trying to flea the scene." HOW PARANOIA WORKS: "I love sitting on the
park bench watching young mothers pushing their strollers...the old men shuffling by and the SQUIRRELS NEED TO STOP STARING
AT ME PLEASE!! Thank you." "I love the smell of freshly brewed coffee...bacon
and eggs in the mornings as you awaken! The diner didn't like me sleeping all night in the booth though." DEFINITION
OF OVERKILL: Eating a chicken AND egg dinner. "If you push and hold your belly-button
it will reboot your mind." "An egg doesn't fall far from the Chicken!" "A
puzzle may look like it has it all together...but it's still full of cracks." "When
we place high expectations upon people...it's not their fault when we're disappointed." "My
doctor said I should 'watch what I eat' so I set up a video camera in the kitchen." "My
garage door opener stopped working...she sprained her wrist." "We couldn't
afford the funeral bill so the funeral home repossessed our Granny." "My
mom used to say that I was 60 watts short of a 40 watt bulb." "We want
our cows fat and our meats lean." "A friend of mine died from natural causes...a
tree fell on him." "I have a friend who had a horrible phobia...he could
not pet animals. Thank God he found a peticure." "Idon'tknowwhypeopleseemtothinkthatthreepotsofcoffeeistoomuchforme!" "If
you have a frog in your throat...perhaps you should concentrate on closing your mouth while diving!" "Sir
Isaac Newton learned about gravity when an apple hit him on the head. I learned about it when I caught my flip-flop on a stump." "A
group of camels tried to play leap-frog but just couldn't get over the hump." "Trying
and failing is never wasted time...it is an education. Worry is a waste of time and teaches us nothing." "The
doctor told me to start TAKING vitamins and that I'd feel better. I did what he said and got arrested! Apparently, the
folks at the drug store don't like you taking their vitamins." Someone once told
me: "When you think everyone is ignoring you just remember.................." "When
someone doesn't agree with you...always take the high road...the aim is better from there." "I
don't know why they thought I needed a straight jacket when I was hidden safely beneath my shoes in the closet." "I
remember when I was in the Marines.....Oh wait....I wasn't in the Marines. Nevermind." "I
hate arguing with myself...I never know which side to take." "The only way a
piece of puzzle 'FITS IN' with the others is to remain different." "I have
absolutely NO patience! Guess you could say...I really struggle with my wait." "I
just got the bill for my trip to the salad bar and it's true...you really do have to 'pay for your raisin!'" "A
person with a stopped-up nose...has no scents." "I finally realized that
you have to go somewhere to end up in the middle of nowhere." "Of all the
famous monsters...I think the Mummy got a bad wrap." BRIGHT IDEAL 7: Start a medical
clinic for Bluegrass Musicians called: "Heal Billy's." BRIGHT IDEAL 3: Develop
a finger-print remover for thieves called: "Stainless Steal." BRIGHT IDEAL 1:
Start a chain of taco stands in Alaska called: "Burr-Eat-O's." "I
went to an intellectual Salon...where they 'wax poetic' for and extra two bucks." SINGLE
DUDE TALKING TO HIS BUDDY: "I used to have two girlfriends...a super nice one and a very mean one. I really MISDEMEANER." "My
computer is so old that my Mega-bytes have false teeth." "My computer is
so old...It doesn't have a DELETE button...it has an eraser." "My computer is
so old instead of WINDOWS...I have a SCREEN-DOOR." "If speaking a single unkind word
caused a person to gain five pounds...we might 'weigh' what we say more carefully." "Dove
Creek, Colorado is the 'Pinto Bean Capital of the World,' and lately they've experienced a rash of 'Drive-by Tootings." "A
friend of mine had a histor-ectomy. Now she will never 'Remember the Alamo!'" "If
you have a hammer toe and a toe nail...you could build something by the foot!" DOCTOR
TO PATIENT: "You only have a week to live...so could you pay my bill today?" "I
just met an angry midget with a very short fuse. Well...I guess its to be expected." "What's
the highest rank for a Corn Officer in the Corny Army? Kernal." "Ate a
bowl of Lucky Charms then whacked my knee on the coffee table...False Advertising!"
"If an Apple a day keeps the doctor away...an onion a day will keep everyone
away."
"My microwave oven is so old...I tried to cook an egg and it hatched."
"With all due respect...I think the Zipper was wrongly named. It should
have been the Zippee. In actuality...we are the Zipper." Just sayin.
"What part of a chicken do nuggets come from?"
"Weight Loss is as simple as switching the 'Before and After' pictures!"
"Which came first; the chicken or the
egg? Depends on where you're at in the grocery store, I'd guess."
Years ago I went to an Oyster Bar and man were they crabby! The waitress asked
me if I'd like some sushi and I said, "No thanks, I don't drink." She just rolled her eyes...quite rudely and walked
away. I had some roasted rabbit, which was ok..and a few oysters. The waitress came back and asked if I'd found a pearl ...in my food, and I said, "No but I found a Hare,"
and she threw me out. Odd people they were.
"Someone told me my jokes were too corny. Well, what do you expect? I live
in farm country and have been secretly implanted with a 'Corn Chip.'"
"In Jr. High, a girl sent me a note asking if I liked her. If I did, I was
to check "yes" if not, I was to check "no." As I got off the bus a windstorm carried the note away. Later
she asked if I got her note and I said: "The answer my friend, is blowing in the wind...the answer is blowin' in the
wind."
"I had a dream that I was rushed to John the Baptist Hospital, where I was
told I needed a Deuteronomy! Not sure what the Genesis of the problem was, but I made a quick Exodus!"
"I don't believe in Evolution. If it were true...after all these millions
of years, fish would say, 'we ain't falling for that worm on the hook no more!' They still do."
I was blow-drying our tiny dog with a leaf-blower. It was too powerful and blew
him into the street. A passing car swerved to miss him, hit a pole and it threw the driver out of the windshield. He flew
into my neighbors yard, knocking him off his riding lawn mower, which continued down the street hitting a fence, rele...asing a German Shepherd, which grabbed my dog in it's
mouth and brought him to me. Life is good.
Recently went to Mojave to see an old friend. He took me horseback riding which
was awesome. I asked what the horse's name was and he said he didn't have one. I can't believe I've been through the desert
on a horse with no name. Next, I'll be standin' on a corner in Winslow, Arizona.
"I just ate a bowl of 'Fat Free' pasta. So glad they're not charging me
for it."
"I'm thinking that the only true way to hide stretch-marks is to stretch
the rest of your skin to match."
"All the Kings Horses and All the King's Men...just had a lovely omelette."
"Many people do not realize that two Chinese brothers were competing with
the Wright brothers to develop the first airplane. The Chinese brothers were obviously unsuccessful and died in their attempt.
I guess two Wongs don't make a Wright."
"Tropophobia- Fear of moving or making changes." This is not a good
phobia to have, especially if it strikes you when your on railroad tracks, while crossing a busy street or in the buffet line
at Pizza Hut.
"Kopophobia- Fear of fatigue." I'm so tired of being afraid of being
tired...it's worn me completely out.
"I went to the dentist today for a check-up. I'd just eaten so I asked for
a breath-mint. The dentist put on a CD of Three Dog Night, singing, "One is the Loneliest Number," and began. When
my son asked how it went, I said: This old man, he played 'One', he put a tic-tac on my tongue..."
"If you have one person that truly knows you
and loves you...hang onto them for dear life...they are your most prized possession."
"It's called 'Falling in Love'
for a reason...no one would risk the pain intentionally."
"One of life's greatest gifts is to sit
across a cafe table from someone you love...having a good cup of coffee."
"My Grandmother used to warn me to be careful
what things I threw away. 'You might need them someday,' she'd say. We should remember that about
people too."
"Life is not about what lies ahead of you...as
much as what you're leaving behind you."
"The words: 'I'm Sorry,' have two
distinct depths...heart-deep or extremely shallow."
"If you find
yourself in a dark place...perhaps it's from the walls you've built around yourself to protect you from getting hurt."
"Don't be
afraid of the shadows...they are proof the Sun is still shining."
"When you're
loved, life is too short. When you feel unloved, life seems too long."
"Dont be surprised
when someone breaks your heart...be surprised when they don't."
"The last thing a person who wants to be alone
needs....is to be alone."
"Being stupid is like being pregnant. You can only hide
for a short time before it's evident to all."
"I don't believe in Atheists."
"There are three things a boy should never say in front of his
mother...believe me I know."
"Sometimes life feels like a neverending game of Dodgeball."
"Expecting all the King's Horses to put Humpty Dumpty back
together again, seems a little bit too demanding of a horse I'd think."
"My wife said she'd like to trade places with me...just
so I can see what it's like to be married to me. Isn't that sweet. Wait, I don't think that was a compliment."
"Time and wisdom has taught me that 'BLOND' is not a
hair color...but a state of mind."
"Someone once asked me what they should do in a crisis...I said,
"Panic, I guess."
"Humility is sure making things hard on my ego."
"Sanity is way overrated."
"Some people take Conspiracy Theory's too far...that makes
me extremely suspicious."
"My mother once told me I could be her favorite child...for
fifty bucks!"
"Someone accused me of being emotionally unstable...that really
hurts my feelings."
"I'm terrified of developing a phobia"
"Most people think Adam and Eve ate an apple...but the truth
is the Bible doesn't say what type of fruit it was. I'd like to think it was a raisin."
"Some people say that all preacher's do is ask for money...send
me a few bucks and I'll tell you why."
"Jesus made wine out of dirty bath water...Now that's what
I call recycling!"
"My mother would come back and haunt me if I walked through
a door before a woman."
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